


Paradise Towers

by mallaidh



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Ererievents, Ereriminibang2k19, Humor, M/M, Minor Character Death, Modern Era, fawlty towers au, this is straight up so chaotic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 04:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19433587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallaidh/pseuds/mallaidh
Summary: “Think, Eren! If people find out we killed a guest, our ratings are going to go to shit!” Levi ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck, just think of the Yelp reviews.”Paradise Towersis a small, seasonal hotel located just outside of the sleepy seaside town of Trost. But, what should be a bustling resort is instead known for being one of the quietest hotels in the area. Eren and his friends quickly come to the consensus that the manager is to blame.[[written for the ereriminibang2k19!]]





	Paradise Towers

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! this work is part of the ereriminibang for 2019! i had a lot of fun writing this fic, and want to thank [worva ](https://worva.tumblr.com) for all the patience and help!  
> check out their [ amazing artwork of the disastrous duo themselves!](https://worva.tumblr.com/post/185979849686/eren-and-his-grumpy-manager-from-the-amazing)

“Have you _seen_ this?” demanded Jean, slapping a rather crumpled newspaper down on the table.

No one answered him; they were too busy wolfing down the remains of their late breakfast. Sasha was practically inhaling an entire batch of sausages, almost too fast for the human eye to follow.

“Hel _lo_!” Jean yelled, jabbing a finger at the offending newspaper, “I’m serious, take a look at this!”

Eren snatched the paper from beneath his stabbing finger, scowling. It was always best to eat whenever you managed to snatch a few free minutes in work, and it was extremely irritating to have those few peaceful moments interrupted. He scanned the opened page quickly, “What’s the big dea- oh.”

“Read it out loud!” 

“Uh…” Eren sat up straighter, and cast a quick glance around the kitchen. Connie had paused in the middle of eating of his three-tier breakfast sandwich, cheeks bulging, and Sasha was still eating her sausages, although she was watching the scene out of the corner of her eye. Jean stood waiting expectantly. “It’s an ad for the hotel.”

“The last sentence!” Jean insisted.

“ _No riff-raff._ ” Eren read aloud, wincing. “Jeez.”

Connie laughed, though it sounded faintly distorted through his mouthful of food. After swallowing with some difficulty, he said “No prizes for guessing who wrote _that_! I heard him complaining about the guests the other day!”

“He’s always complaining about the guests!” Jean rolled his eyes. “We barely even get any!”

“Yeah, but he was talking to Ms Hanji and said that he wanted to get a better class of clientele in!”

Eren surveyed the ad once more, and tried not to sigh. 

“But if there’s anything Mr Ackerman hates more than normal guests, it’s posh guests!” said Sasha, having finally finished her sausages.

“I dunno,” Eren said at last. He placed the newspaper back down on the table and frowned thoughtfully. “He seems to hate all the guests equally.”

_“Oi!”_

Mr Ackerman stood in the doorway glowering at them. The four of them scrambled to their feet; Connie and Sasha lunged to clear the table and clean the pots. 

“Sir!” Jean yelped. He looked as though he was just barely refraining himself from saluting.

“Kirstein, why aren’t you at the bar?”

“Well,” Jean cast a panicked look at the rest of them, who studiously avoided his gaze. “Well, there’s no one there. There’s only three guests right now. And it’s only 11.30am.”

Impressively, Mr Ackerman’s glower intensified. “Are you suggesting that I am somehow unaware of how many guests are currently staying in my hotel?”

“ _No_ , sir! I would never!”

“Then get to work! I’m not paying you to skulk around in the kitchen leaching off the inventory!” Once Jean ran for the door, Mr Ackerman rounded on Sasha and Connie. The animosity seemed to fade somewhat when he saw that they were already rushing to clean up. “You two get this place in order, lunch is in half an hour. Jaeger, with me.”

“Right.” Eren fought a groan as he followed Mr Ackerman out of the kitchen, shooting a commiserating look at Connie and Sasha over his shoulder. While the others had fairly clear-cut roles within the hotel - Jean worked as a bartender in the quiet lounge area, and Sasha and Connie worked as cooks in the kitchen - Eren’s role was a little vaguer. He didn’t even have an official job title; he tended to just follow Mr Ackerman around and complete any tasks that were required of him. He guessed it was a type of training, overseeing Mr Ackerman complete the everyday jobs that were involved in the running of a hotel so that he’d be able to do it on his own when Mr Ackerman was gone. Jean thought it was hilarious to tease him about being a rather sad version of a personal assistant and it irritated Eren to no end - mostly because it wasn’t too far from the truth.

Mr Ackerman’s office was located just behind the reception desk. The door was usually left open; Eren had a feeling it was so he could keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t mess anything up. When they emerged into the lobby, Mr Ackerman marched to his office and stopped in the doorway. “Keep an eye on the front desk.” he ordered.

“Yes, sir.”

After he disappeared into his office (the door remained conspicuously open), Eren leaned against the desk with a sigh. _Paradise Towers _was a small, seasonal hotel located just outside of Trost, a sleepy seaside town. Even in the height of summer it was fairly quiet - though the hotel had some permanent older residents its main clientele were tourists, though Trost was too small a town to generate any significant flow of tourism. The hotel itself was endearingly quaint; built in the seventies, it had been refurbished recently enough that the older aspects of the building seemed more like an aesthetic choice rather than a case of the furniture simply being outdated. It wasn’t too far from the sea, only a twenty minute walk, and boasted beautiful decorative gardens. Admittedly it was a little remote, being almost a half hour drive from the town, but the rates were so low that the distance shouldn’t have been detrimental to business. Yet, what should have been a bustling resort was renowned in town for being one of the quietest hotels in the area.__

__Eren and his friends had quickly come to the consensus that the manager was to blame for the hotel’s quietness; Mr Ackerman was an irascible little man with a short fuse and poor people skills. It was a mystery how the hotel hadn’t been shut down, really. Connie said that one time a guest had asked for an omelette made with three eggs and Mr Ackerman had purposely misinterpreted the request into an omelette with three fried eggs sitting on top, and had subsequently ignored any complaints. Eren had once witnessed him throw a guest’s briefcase over the garden wall out of sheer irritation that the guest had left it lying in the lobby - when the understandably angry guest had confronted him, Mr Ackerman had told him, blank-faced, that it had been a bomb scare._ _

__It wasn’t even a bad job, really. It could just get a little frustrating sometimes, when he remembered that Mikasa and Armin had managed to land sensible jobs back in coffee shops in the town centre with rational bosses. Meanwhile Eren, Jean, Connie, and Sasha got stuck with the grumpiest man on the entire coast. They couldn’t even escape, really - the employees were given lodge in the hotel during the summer due to the distance from the town (the opportunity to move out of their parents’ houses had, admittedly, played a huge part in their accepting of the jobs). And honestly, Mr Ackerman’s behaviour hadn’t completely thrown him off; the irritable manager rarely took his ire out on Eren. That, combined with the fact that Eren _may_ have had a small crush on the man when he first started working at the hotel meant that Jean eagerly took every opportunity to tease him._ _

__The shrill ringing of the telephone pulled him out of his thoughts, and he answered with as much forced cheerfulness as he could manage to inject into his tone. “Hello, _Paradise Towers_. This is Eren speaking, how may I help you?”_ _

__What little business the hotel did manage to rake in was largely due to their low prices, which was likely why Mr Ackerman had placed that ridiculous ad in the local newspaper. As it was, Eren could almost empathise with him as he tried to explain to the old lady on the phone that the rates were set and it would not be possible to haggle for a lower price._ _

__As he was busy on the phone, a portly man entered the hotel with a large case and made his way promptly over to the front desk. His suit was blue pinstripe and ill-fitted, giving him the appearance of a rotund striped bowling ball. His ruddy face was partially concealed by an enormous mustache that seemed to tremble whenever he breathed._ _

__Distracted by the unusually animated facial hair, Eren didn’t realise he was staring until he noticed that the man was looking at him expectantly. “ _Oh_! Er, one moment ma’am,” he said quickly into the phone, before holding up a finger in a ‘wait’ gesture and calling out into the open door behind him, “Mr Ackerman?”_ _

__“What?” came the irritated reply._ _

__Eren could feel his polite smile become strained, “There’s someone at the desk, sir.”_ _

__There was a slight pause. “Out where _you_ are, you mean?”_ _

__“I’m on the phone! Ah, yes ma’am, I’m still here!” he said hastily as the woman began to berate him for not paying attention._ _

__When Mr Ackerman emerged back out of his office, he did not look particularly pleased at having been interrupted. He only scowled when Eren pointed sheepishly at the phone in his hand, before turning his attention to the man at the desk.“ _So_ sorry to have kept you waiting, I had no idea my co-worker was so busy.” said Mr Ackerman. His tone was so acerbic that Eren felt as though his skin was burning with the force of it._ _

__The guest was apparently totally unaffected; he beamed at Mr Ackerman, his great bristly mustache quivering. “Fear not, kind sir, it matters not one whit!”_ _

__That gave Mr Ackerman pause, and he squinted suspiciously at him. “What?”_ _

__“I simply meant that time is not pressing on me presently, fortunate that I am, thus any delay on your part was certainly not detrimental to my current situation.” the man continued to beam, red cheeks rounded and shining. “Now, I require some information. This afternoon, I wish to undertake a short recreational visit to town for sundry purposes, which I am sure would be of no interest to you, but nevertheless I find myself requiring aid in getting for me some form of transport.”_ _

__Mr Ackerman’s brow had furrowed when the man had first begun to speak, and by the time he had finished he was frowning so hard Eren worried he was going to have permanent indentations in his forehead. “Are you asking for a taxi?”_ _

__“In a nutshell!” the portly man nodded enthusiastically, even throwing in what was possibly supposed to be a roguish wink - it appeared as though he had never actually attempted to wink before, because it came across more as a very fast and exaggerated blink._ _

__“Right.” Mr Ackerman said curtly, turning to fetch a small business card from under the counter. He slapped it down in front of the guest. “That’s the number of the local cab company.”_ _

__“Oh dear,” the man reared back from the card swiftly, shaking his head. “I’m afraid you will have to place the call for me, my dear man. I never use the telephone if I can avoid it.”_ _

__“Why _not_.”_ _

__“I’m rather prone to ear infections, you see.”_ _

__Eren was entranced by the angry red flush slowly creeping up the back of Mr Ackerman’s neck, and couldn’t help but absent-mindedly admire the guest’s bravery. Then again, it was possible he just had no survival instincts._ _

__“When I have concluded my business in the town,” the man continued pompously, “I will need to make my way to _Reeves_ restaurant on the seafront from the centre of town. Since the map I obtained from that little display over there is inadequate, I would be very grateful if you could draw me a diagram of the optimum route.”_ _

__Eren slowly put the phone down, ignoring the tinny sounds of the lady’s complaints as his eyes darted from Mr Ackerman to the guest. Judging by the vein pulsing in Mr Ackerman’s forehead, Eren was beginning to think that Sasha was right about him hating the posh guests the most. After a tense pause, the manager unclenched his jaw just enough to bite out, “What’s wrong with the map?”_ _

__“Well, it’s got gravy on it.” the man pointed at a very tiny stain on the bottom corner of the map._ _

__“It’s very simple,” said Mr Ackerman. It looked as though his hold over his temper was tenuous at best. “The town isn’t very big. Just keep walking until you see the ocean-” he broke off as the man began waving a small square of paper and a pen at him, “What are you _doing_?”_ _

__“I would prefer a map, if wouldn’t be a bother.”_ _

__“It _would_ be a bother.” Mr Ackerman practically snarled._ _

__“Well, I’d like it all the same!” the man challenged._ _

__The two men stood glaring at each other, jaws tense and eyes narrowed, until Eren jumped in anxiously, “I’ll draw it!”_ _

__“Ah,” the man looked satisfied, “Fantastic. What a good young lad you are, hm?” he proffered the pen._ _

__“We _do_ actually have pens in the hotel,” said Levi waspishly. He turned sharply to survey the counter. Then he bent to have a quick look at the shelves under the counter. “ _Where_ are the pens?” he hissed to Eren. “What the- this is supposed to be a _hotel_ , this is the _front desk_ , where are the fucking pens when you fucking _need one_ -”_ _

__The man proffered his pen again. Even his mustache had an air of smugness about it._ _

__Mr Ackerman snatched the pen from his hand, glared at both him and the mustache, then handed the pen to Eren. The diagram he drew was almost stupidly simple - Mr Ackerman had been right, Trost really was a small town. The sea was visible from most streets in the centre of town, so one only really needed to walk in a straight line towards it and from there _Reeves_ was the only building along the seafront apart from the public toilets and ice cream shacks._ _

__When he was done he slid the paper over to the man, who picked it up and squinted at it. Mr Ackerman raised his eyebrows at Eren, as though saying _can you believe this guy?__ _

___Well,_ Eren’s eyebrow raise said back, _you didn’t exactly help yourself.__ _

__A constriction of the brows. _What’s that supposed to mean?__ _

___No riff-raff_ , Eren mouthed pointedly, eyebrows still raised._ _

__“I don’t understand this diagram,” the man interrupted their silent conversation, “What is that?”_ _

__“The centre of town.” said Eren, offering a polite smile._ _

__“ _Town Cen._ ,” he read, “Ah, I see. You’ve used an abbreviation.”_ _

__“Extraordinary, you must be quite the educated gentleman.” Mr Ackerman crossed his arms. “Is that it? Do you need someone to hold your hand while you’re walking around or do you think you can manage?”_ _

__The guest ignored him. “When does luncheon commence?”_ _

__“ _Lunch_ is in twenty minutes.”_ _

__“Excellent, excellent,” the man folded his newly acquired diagram into a neat little square and tucked it into his jacket pocket. “Well then, if you want me, I shall be in the lounge.”_ _

__“Why would I_ want_ you?” Mr Ackerman asked derisively.

“Don’t forget to call my taxi for 2pm!” the man snapped, snatching his briefcase off the ground and scowling before trodding off.

Silence stretched out for several long moments while Mr Ackerman stared after him with an expression of mingled disbelief and disgust. Eren hovered awkwardly, torn between saying something and attempting to remain unnoticed. 

“This _place_!” the words exploded out of Mr Ackerman at the same time as he threw his hands up in the air out of frustration, and Eren startled hard. “What is it about this godforsaken place that attracts these complete and utter _wankers-!_ ”

Eren’s mouth opened and closed, but before he could settle on any mildly appropriate words he was interrupted by a familiar voice. “Oh deaaaar, has Levi been squabbling with the guests again?”

Hanji the gardener was beaming as she skipped into the lobby, covered in dirt, and her smile didn’t falter even under the glare of Levi’s scowl. “I wasn’t _squabbling_ ,” he snapped, “It’s not my fault the assholes that come in here are so uncooperative-”

At that Hanji laughed outright, catching the side of the front desk to keep her balance. She seemed to choose to ignore the expression on Mr Ackerman’s face when her fingers left smudges on the wood. “Oh darling, the day you cooperate with guests is the day we’ll be wheeling you out of here in a wooden box.”

“Why are you _here_? Don’t you have a job to be doing?”

“I heard some news I thought you might be interested in.” she blinked rapidly. It took Eren a moment to realise she was attempting to bat her eyelashes.

“Stop doing that, it looks like you’re having a stroke.” Mr Ackerman snapped, reaching out to _boff_ her lightly on the side of the head. “What’s the news?”

“Mike heard that there were some hotel inspectors in town.” the words were delivered with the aplomb of someone who knew perfectly well they were delivering a wonderful piece of gossip. 

_Oh dear_ , Eren looked frantically at Mr Ackerman. If a hotel inspector _did_ come around, surely all it would take would be one conversation with the manager before the hotel was shut down for incompetent leadership. 

“Oh?” Mr Ackerman didn’t look particularly worried. If anything, he looked vaguely sceptical. “And how did he manage to come by that particular piece of information?”

“I think there were two of them planning to split up. One was to visit the Glenview in Maria and one was to visit you right here in Trost,” Hanji shrugged, “You’ll probably recognise the hotel inspector as soon as he walks in. They’re difficult little fellas, y’know? Always want things done their way. Kinda like you, Levi.”

Mr Ackerman only scoffed. Before he could answer properly, the portly man from earlier bounded back into the lobby and made his way back up to the front desk. Mr Ackerman sighed loudly and obviously before rounding on him. “What is it now?”

“I was wondering,” the man began primly, “If it were possible for myself to engage in a bit of light exercise before my outing. Perhaps you offer swimming facilities?”

“No. We don’t.” Mr Ackerman was somehow managing to keep a vaguely neutral expression on his face, but the vibe he was exuding was positively murderous. Eren shared a brief look with Hanji, who appeared to be enjoying the scene.

“I see. Well, perhaps you ought to introduce such facilities.”

“Oho, _ought_ we?”

“Yes.” the man was getting annoyed now, and his mustache was almost vibrating in distress. “I have a wide experience of hotels, you know, and I must say it is quite unusual to come across a hotel such as this one that does not offer sufficient leisure facilities!”

Mr Ackerman scoffed. He opened his mouth, no doubt fully ready to offer some sort of scathing remark, before pausing. “A wide experience of hotels?” he repeated.

“Yes,” the man snapped, his face turning a worrying shade of puce. “I am in constant contact with them in my professional life.”

Eren, Hanji, and Mr Ackerman all stared at the man. “Shit.” said Mr Ackerman.

“What was that?”

“I booked your taxi.” he practically yelled, “Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?”

Taken aback by the sudden change in attitude, the hotel inspector blinked. “Ah. Well, I was hoping to have a spot of lunch-”

“This way to the dining room! I didn’t catch your name, Mister-?” Mr Ackerman had rounded the desk and caught the man by his sleeve, tugging him rather forcefully towards the dining room.

“Ah, Davis. Don Davis.” Mr Davis looked bewildered at the abrupt turn in events, but followed after Mr Ackerman nonetheless.

Eren and Hanji stared after them for a long moment. After a few seconds, Hanji laughed. “Oh, my. This is going to be absolute gold. Have you ever seen Levi try to be polite?”

“No,” said Eren truthfully. He had always just assumed that politeness went against the very fabric of Mr Ackerman’s being. As he watched his manager attempt to strongarm the hotel inspector through the door and into the dining room, a thought occurred to him. He looked at the clock. “I’ll be right back.” he said to Hanji, before scrambling out from behind the desk.

He managed to catch up with Mr Ackerman before he got too far into the dining room; he caught him by the arm while the hotel inspector ambled around looking for a table, despite the entire room being empty. “Mr Ackerman,” he began. When Mr Ackerman turned and leveled a terrifying look at him, he dropped his hand immediately. “Sir, Connie and Sasha won’t be ready for lunch just yet.”

“Talk to them,” it _looked_ as though Mr Ackerman was attempting to smile for the benefit of Mr Davis, but the result looked more like a threatening baring of teeth. “And make sure they understand that it is _important_ that they are prepared for lunch service. Now.”

It would be useless to try and argue, Eren knew from experience, so he turned on his heel and hurried into the kitchen. Connie and Sasha were chopping vegetables and moving around the kitchen at a sedate pace when Eren poked his head in. The explanation for the situation sounded exceptionally ridiculous when he said it out loud, though Connie looked delighted at the fact that the manager’s ire was being directed at someone other than him, and both cooks agreed to speed up service to cater for the inspector.

Relieved, Eren poked his head out of the double doors leading into the dining room. He couldn’t help but feel somewhat torn; on the one hand, he wanted to hide somewhere so he wouldn’t have to witness the second-hand embarrassment of Mr Ackerman attempting to act cordial to someone he blatantly disliked, and on the other hand he couldn’t deny that he kind of wanted to witness the inevitable blowout. No one could make a spectacle quite like Mr Ackerman could.

The hotel inspector had decided on a table by the window, and Mr Ackerman stood by him with his notepad and pen in his hand. They must have been chatting while Eren was filling Connie and Sasha in on what was going on, because Mr Ackerman had attempted to plaster that scary imitation of a smile over a truly murderous expression; though it was more likely that Mr Davis had been engaging in small talk and had inadvertently pissed Mr Ackerman off. 

“What can I get you?” Mr Ackerman interrupted whatever the inspector had been saying. The approximation of a smile widened, as if that could soothe over whatever social faux pas he was guilty of. Eren cringed from his place in the doorway. 

“Oh, ah.” Mr Davis glanced back down at the menu in his lap. “I’ll try the omelette, I think. It’s safe to assume the vegetables are all fresh, yes?”

“Yes, yes.” Mr Ackerman said absently, shooting Eren a look. Having become well-accustomed to Mr Ackerman’s non-verbal cues, Eren leaned back into the kitchen and gave the order to Connie and Sasha.

“Including the vegetables?” 

“Yes.” said Mr Ackerman, clearly not listening. When Eren poked his head back into the dining room and offered him a thumbs up, he nodded in satisfaction and turned his attention back to Mr Davis, who was fixing him with quite an intense look.

“They’re not frozen?”

Mr Ackerman blinked. “Oh. Well, yes, they’re frozen.”

The urge to hide was steadily overcoming Eren’s desire to watch the inevitable oncoming train wreck, but he couldn’t manage to quite tear his eyes away.

“They’re not fresh then, are they?”

“Well,” Mr Ackerman’s very false smile became even more noticeably strained than before, which Eren thought counted as an achievement. “They were very fresh when they were frozen.”

“Oh dear,” Mr Davis sighed heavily, shaking his head. His mustache fluttered with the movement. “Oh dear, oh dear. Yes, well, I suppose I ought’nt be surprised, there’s a lot of this sort of thing going on in hotels nowadays, you know. I’ll have the Caesar salad.”

“We could ask the chefs to leave out the vegetables.”

“Oh goodness, no, no, what’s the point of an omelette with no vegetables?”

At this point Mr Ackerman was looking as though he would be quite comfortable beating Mr Davis to death with his bare hands. When he spoke, his polite tone sounded as though it had been pieced together with pieces of broken glass. “One Caesar salad, then. Anything to drink?”

“Some _fresh_ water, please. Actually, on second thoughts-”

The bell at the front desk rang out. Eren glanced reluctantly back at the scene between Mr Ackerman and the hotel inspector before hurrying out of the dining room. There was very little chance of this entire scenario ending well, and he wanted to be clear of the blast radius when Mr Ackerman inevitably blew up.

There were a pair of elderly ladies standing at the reception desk, giggling to each other. When Eren stepped up behind the desk to assist them, he realised he recognised one of them from the town. “Hello, Mrs Atkins. How can I help you out today?”

“Hello Eren, dear.” Mrs Atkins beamed at him. She was a stout little widow with a wrinkled face not unlike a shrivelled grape and a penchant for paisley patterned overcoats. “We were hoping to have lunch, and Gladys here is hoping to stay for the night.”

“Sure, sure,” Eren mumbled, distracted as he noticed raised voices coming from the dining room. “Ah… name?” he asked Mrs Atkins’ companion as he frowned distractedly at the dining room door.

“Cheese.”

“Sorry, what?” Eren finally glanced away from the dining room door and back towards the two old ladies. Mrs Atkins was smiling patiently, but her friend’s face was set in a dour scowl.

“Cheese,” The other lady repeated impatiently. 

“Right, of course.” said Eren, scribbling the name down in the guest book. “Mrs...um, Cheese. Right, well, if you’re ready for lunch you can follow me to the dining room.” he smiled encouragingly at them as he stepped around the desk and gestured to the dining room, earning himself a smile and a mistrustful scowl.

Upon entering the dining room, Eren attempted to ignore the table by the window as he settled the two old ladies down in a corner seat. It was only after he had delivered them menus and made sure they were comfortable that he dared to edge closer to his boss.

Mr Ackerman and the hotel inspector seemed to be having a silent stand-off, except only Mr Ackerman seemed to be aware of this standoff; Mr Davis continued perusing the menu, blissfully unaware of the sharp gaze boring into the side of his balding head. “The salmon,” he said, “I presume it has been caught locally, yes?”

Notepad and pen abandoned, Mr Ackerman just squinted irritatedly at him. “Does it matter?”

“Yes,” Mr Davis said primly, “I often travel to Trost specifically for the salmon here. I would be very disappointed if it was imported.”

“We buy it from the Reeves family,” Mr Ackerman tried for another smile. It was no less strained than the last few he had tried. “So yes, it’s local.”

“And it’s fresh? Not frozen?”

“I can bring it to you still wriggling if that’s what you’d like.”

From their table by the window, Mrs Cheese clicked her fingers. “Boy!”

Eren sighed. So it was going to be one of _those_ days. He pasted a smile on his face and prayed that it was more convincing than Mr Ackerman’s as he made his way over to their table. “Yes, how may I help you?”

“One black coffee and a side of baked beans.” said Mrs Cheese, then nodded to Mrs Atkins. “She’ll have a cappuccino and a scone.”

“Just baked beans? On their own?”

“Yes, yes!” she snapped, growing irate.

“Okay! I’ll get that for you right away!” Eren said quickly, scurrying to the kitchen before he could inadvertently piss her off more. 

Connie and Sasha were giggling to each other as Eren pushed his way into the kitchen. Sasha looked up and grinned at the sight of him. “It’s a slow-motion train-wreck out there, huh?”

Eren sighed and took a moment to lean heavily against the wall. “Black coffee, cappuccino, baked beans, and a scone.”

Thankfully, his friends didn’t ask any further questions and jumped into action. Their hyperactivity and enthusiasm was actually helpful in the kitchen; they never seemed to tire, and the fact that they never had to actually interact with any customers meant that their eternal good moods never suffered either. God, Eren envied them.

The kitchen doors swung open again, and Mr Ackerman marched in. “These _people-!_ ” he gestured furiously, before managing to contain himself. Sasha and Connie had frozen mid-movement upon his entrance, but as soon as his gaze fell on them they launched back into activity in an attempt to look busy. “Get me a chicken curry.”

“Yessir!” Sasha chirped, making for the fridge.

“The ingredients are all fresh, yes?”

Sasha paused with one hand on the fridge door. “Fresh?”

“Yes, fresh!”

“Er,” she glanced at Connie a little helplessly, but he studiously avoided her gaze as he stirred the baked beans in the pan. “Well. None of it has gone past its use by date, if that’s what you mean.”

“That’s _not_ what I mean,” Mr Ackerman said, then paused. “Jesus Christ, is that the standard we’re at now?”

“Guess so, sir.” 

“Right, right, never mind. Are the ingredients fresh or not?”

“Well. The chicken and the vegetables are frozen, the rice is prepackaged, and the curry sauce is powdered - it’s a just-add-water type of thing.”

Mr Ackerman sucked his teeth for a moment. “Right. Hm. Okay. Maybe he won’t notice.”

* * *

Eren sighed, cupping his chin in his hand and leaning heavily on the front desk as he listened to the shouting coming from the dining room. They’d been at it for about ten solid minutes now.

Eventually, the shouting drew Jean out of the bar area. He poked his head around the corner of the door, frowning. “What the hell is going on?”

“Mr Ackerman is fighting with one of the guests again.” said Eren, before adding in an undertone, “Except we think this one is a hotel inspector.”

“He’s fighting a hotel inspector?” Jean repeated, amused. He had apparently worked up the nerve to step all the way out of the lounge, and came over to lean against the front desk opposite Eren. “Damn. That’s bad, even for Mr Ackerman. How has this place not been closed down yet?”

Eren shrugged. He had fled the dining room as soon as the shouting had started. “Honestly, I have no idea. At least we’re paid well.”

“ _You’re_ paid well.” Jean pointed out sourly. “The rest of us are on minimum.”

“Well, I work the hardest!” Eren pointed out truthfully.

“Only because you suck up to Mr Ackerman.” grumbled Jean, moodily pushing about old receipts and bits of spare paper.

“I do not- quit messing up the desk, I just tidied it! I do _not_ suck up to Mr Ackerman!”

“Yeah,” Jean scoffed, “You fuckin’ do. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Fuck you.” sneered Eren. “I do not.”

“You’re just angry because your ass-kissing doesn’t work.”

“There is _no_ ass-kissing.” Eren snapped. Then he hesitated. “What do you mean by that, anyway?”

“I _mean_ , that Mr Ackerman stares at your ass all day long and yet you don’t even have a proper job title. You’re a fucking errand boy.”

Eren felt his ears grow hot. “Go fuck yourself.”

“Whatever. Once summer is over, I’m gonna get a _real_ job. I’m wasted here.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “That’s what you said last year.”

“Yeah, well this year it’s true!”

Eren ignored him; he couldn’t complain about the job too much. Sure, the hotel wasn’t particularly well run, and the food was shitty and the manager was irritable at best, but Eren was well-paid and in all honesty (though he would _never_ admit it to Jean) Mr Ackerman really wasn’t bad company as long as he wasn’t talking. And sometimes he could be pretty funny, too, and he really wasn’t all that bad-looking. But then again… Jean _did_ have a point about the job title thing.

The doors to the dining room banged open and Mr Davis stormed out and ran right up the stairs towards the bedrooms. Jean snickered quietly. “Guess Mr Ackerman won that round, huh?”

Moments later Mr Ackerman stalked out of the dining room, and Jean’s snickers cut out. The expression on Mr Ackerman’s face was stormy at best but it got ultimately darker when he spotted Jean, who had snapped up from his lazy sprawl. “Kirstein, what the hell are you doing out here?”

“I- I was just-”

“Back to the bar!”

“Yessir!” Jean scampered back to the lounge.

Mr Ackerman rounded on Eren with a scowl. “And you! What are you doing?”

“Manning the front desk, Mr Ackerman.” Eren pointed out, trying not to make it sound as though he were pointing out the obvious. 

“And that’s important enough for you to leave me in there to deal with those idiots on my own, is it?”

Eren had to fight back a smile. “It seemed like you had it covered, sir.”

“Yes, well.” Mr Ackerman paused a moment, then nodded with satisfaction. “Yes, I _did_ have it covered.”

The dining room door opened yet again as Mrs Atkins and Mrs Cheese left the dining room. Their heads were close together as they whispered, but they looked up as they approached the desk and Eren offered them his best customer service smile. “Hello ladies, I hope your meal was good?” he said, trying to do his job as well as he could despite the feeling of Mr Ackerman staring into the side of his face. Mrs Cheese opened her mouth, a severe frown marring her forehead, and Eren hurried swiftly on before she had a chance to voice her complaints, “Would you like to see your room, now?”

“Yes, please, Eren.” Mrs Atkins smiled sweetly at him, nudging her friend sharply in the side until she closed her mouth and looked away with a ‘hmph’. “I’ll come up with her too, just to make sure she’s all settled.”

Mr Ackerman nodded decisively. “Right then, I’ll take care of this.”

Eren hesitated. “Ah- it’s no problem sir, I can-”

“Nonsense.” Mr Ackerman waved him off as he plucked the correct room key from off its hook. Then he paused, “Well. You should come along, I suppose. As a learning opportunity.”

It took some effort to bite his tongue, but Eren managed; he’d been there almost a year and a half! As if he didn’t know how to show a guest to their room at this stage! He just smiled again, and offered to carry Mrs Cheese’s bag up the stairs.

“Such a sweet boy!” Mrs Atkins beamed, nudging her friend again.

“You don’t have an elevator in this place?” Mrs Cheese asked, scowling at Mr Ackerman.

Mr Ackerman scowled back. “Have you seen one?”

“No.”

“Then obviously not.”

“So,” Eren said with a rather strained smile as they headed up the stairs. “How long will you be staying with us, Mrs Cheese?”

“Gladys will be staying until Friday.” Mrs Atkins spoke for her friend as it appeared that she was preoccupied in her glaring match with Mr Ackerman.

They reached Room 22, and Mr Ackerman stepped forward to unlock the door. It swung open and he stepped out of the way for the two elderly ladies to pass through. Before Mr Ackerman could follow them through, Eren stepped closer to him and took a hold of his arm, “Mr Ackerman,” he said in a low voice, attempting to smile ingratiatingly, “Don’t you think it would be better to be polite?”

“Polite.” Mr Ackerman repeated, apparently bewildered. “Is that not what I’m doing?”

“Er- not really, no.”

“I see.” he straightened a little. Eren realised how close they were standing and took a tentative step back, but didn’t release Mr Ackerman’s arm. He could feel his biceps through his suit jacket, and it was a little... mesmerising. “Right. Well, I’ll be a little more… conscientious, then.”

And with that, Mr Ackerman marched after the women and into the room. A little helplessly, Eren followed after him. The two elderly ladies were surveying the room; Mrs Cheese had a little scowl marring her already wrinkled forehead, though Eren wasn’t entirely convinced that her face wasn’t just stuck like that.

“Is everything to your satisfaction, then?” Mr Ackerman asked in his best approximation of a polite tone. He then turned to Eren as though seeking approval; Eren gave him an encouraging smile.

“No, actually.” said Mrs Cheese, and Eren’s smile faltered.

Mr Ackerman frowned. “Well, what’s wrong?”

“The room is very small. How much are we paying for this?”

“It’s fifty dollars a night.” 

“Oh, dear.” Mrs Cheese said with a severe little shake of the head. “Oh, dear. That’s much too expensive. Do you not have cheaper rooms?”

“Of course we have cheaper rooms.”

“And are they bigger than this one?”

“Bigger than-? Of course not, that’s why they’re cheaper.” Mr Ackerman looked partly annoyed and partly perplexed. Eren privately thought that he looked much better when confused - less antagonistic, maybe.

“I don’t want a small room.”

“Get a bigger room, then.”

“They’re too expensive!”

Mr Ackerman was beginning to look rather strained, as though holding himself back from making a cutting remark through sheer force of will. “You know, I’m not sure what exactly it is that you want.”

“Oh, never mind!” Mrs Cheese said impatiently. As she whirled around, she murmured something to Mrs Atkins that sounded suspiciously like ‘ _incompetent little man_ ’.

“Well, we’ll be going now!” Eren said cheerfully, grabbing hold of Mr Ackerman’s arm as he moved to take a step forward. “If you need anything, please don’t be afraid to call!”

The door swung shut behind them as he hurried out of the room with Mr Ackerman in tow, and he sighed in some relief. The relief seemed to be shared, judging by the way his boss had sagged slightly. “Right.” Mr Ackerman announced, “I’d better make sure that Connie and Sasha haven’t set the fucking kitchen on fire yet.”

“Actually Mr Ackerman!” said Eren quickly, “I was wondering if I could speak to you about something?”

Mr Ackerman hesitated a little, but then nodded brusquely and gestured for Eren to follow him back down the stairs to his office. Once there, he ordered Eren to take a seat in front of his desk and closed the door behind them. 

“What is it, Eren?” he asked, taking a seat in his chair a little awkwardly.

Eren, who hadn’t taken a seat despite Mr Ackerman’s sharp order, bounced a little nervously on his feet. “Well, sir. I actually wanted to talk to you about my job title.”

“Your… job title?”

“I don’t have one, you see.”

“I… see.”

Eren straightened his shoulders and tried to affect as confident an air as he could manage. His shirt was perhaps a little small for him, and he could feel it straining a little around his shoulders. Mr Ackerman’s gaze dropped to his chest and remained there. “I work hard here, sir. I wait tables, I man the desk, I help with accounts, I clean the bedrooms, I deal with guests-”

“Assistant Manager.” said Mr Ackerman, raising his eyes to look at Eren’s face. He sounded a little hoarse.

“I- what?” 

Mr Ackerman cleared his throat, then repeated, “Assistant Manager. Your new job title. Well?”

Eren opened and closed his mouth, startled out of his spiel before he had gotten the chance to really get going. Then he recovered himself, and snapped it shut. “I- yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Right then.” Mr Ackerman swallowed, and nodded to himself. “Yes. You already do most of the duties of an assistant manager, may as well just make it official.”

Warming to the idea of officially being able to order Jean around, Eren began to grin. “Awesome! Yeah, okay! Thanks, Mr Ackerman!”

“Levi.”

“Sorry?”

Mr Ackerman looked flushed and a little uncomfortable. Eren wondered if he was feeling alright. “Call me Levi. You’re Assistant Manager now.”

“Okay. Thanks, Levi.” Eren tried the name out, then beamed.

Mr Ackerman looked distinctly strained.

* * *

Eren felt like he was walking on air by the time dinner service came around. _Assistant Manager!_ And he hadn’t even had to argue his case! If he’d known it would be so easy, he would have asked Mr Acker- no, _Levi_ , he would have asked _Levi_ ages ago!

The little scowls that he received from Jean whenever he passed by the lounge only served to improve his already buoyant mood.

He bounced through the dining room, handing out menus and beaming at the handful of guests. “Good evening!” he greeted Mrs Atkins and Mrs Cheese, grinning brightly.

Mrs Cheese squinted suspiciously at him, but said nothing as they were seated.

“Pull yourself together,” Levi murmured to him when he returned to the kitchen to collect pitchers of water for the tables, but his voice lacked heat. “People are going to think there’s something wrong with you.”

Eren made a face - his promotion must have given him an injection of bravery, because he would never would have dared do such a thing before. “It’s called happiness, Levi.”

“Yes, yes, I’ve heard stories about it.” Levi said irritably, though he didn’t sound as annoyed as Eren had expected considering how much he hated backtalk. “Mr Davis is at table eleven, I’ll take care of him tonight.”

“Oh.”

“What?” Levi looked up instantly, scowling. “What’s ‘ _oh_ ’ supposed to mean?”

“It’s just,” Eren chewed his bottom lip, “Maybe it would be better if I handled it?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” With that, Mr Ackerman whirled around and marched out of the kitchen.

Eren had to take a minute to himself, eyes closed and praying for patience. Why did he have to make everything so difficult?

“Good luck.” Connie snickered, frying onions in the corner.

To pretty much everyone's surprise, dinner service went quite well.

There were a few tense moments where Eren, Connie, and Sasha - peeking through the kitchen door - were certain that Levi would tackle Mr Davis out of his chair and throttle him right there in the middle of the dining room, but instead all of Mr Davis’ inane and odd requests were met with a very tense imitation of a smile that looked more like a pained grimace. And finally, the end was in sight; Mr Davis was scraping the leftovers off his plate. He was, if not _happy_ with his meal, at least _content_ with it. 

Levi sauntered over to where Eren stood by the kitchen door, looking unbearably smug. “Consider it,” he said, leaning on the door frame, “Handled.”

It took quite a bit of effort not to laugh; Mr Ackerman’s attempts at looking cool were endearing at best, cringey at worst. “Wow.” Eren grinned. “Very impressive.”

“Waiter!” Mr Davis called, clicking his fingers.

Levi’s expression crumpled right back into a scowl, and he worked his jaw for a moment. “What does he want now.” he grumbled, pushing away from the wall and stomping back to Mr Davis’s table.

Watching him go, Eren bit his lip to keep from laughing. What a ridiculous little man. He looked on as Levi bent down, scowling, to listen to what Mr Davis had to say. They spoke for a moment, then Levi came walking back.

“He wants ice cream for dessert.” he said to Eren as he pushed into the kitchen to alert Sasha, “Bastard.”

 _Ah yes_ , thought Eren, _Craving a frozen treat? How dastardly_.

By the time Levi returned from the kitchen with the plate of ice cream, Eren had already done a circuit of the dining room to ensure all the other diners were relatively content. Satisfied, he waited by the door to the kitchen and watched Levi deliver the dessert to the hotel inspector.

“It’s all going well.” Eren murmured to him when he returned.

“Of course it is,” said Levi, frowning a little, “Why wouldn’t it?”

Deciding it was best not to answer that, Eren turned back and cast a quick glance around the dining room. Mrs Atkins and Mrs Cheese had finished their dinner, and were gathering their things to leave. The few other guests scattered around the dining room seemed to be similarly finishing up. He allowed some of the tension to seep out of his shoulders; the day was almost over.

And then Mr Davis raised his arm into the air and clicked his fingers yet again. “Waiter!”

“Oh, what _now_?” Levi hissed, and Eren recognised with a little thrill of dread that he sounded close to losing his temper.

“Let’s stay calm-” he began, but Levi had already stomped off. They had been so, _so_ close.

Taking a deep, calming breath that did very little to actually calm him, Eren hurried over to the table just in time to hear Mr Davis saying, “You never told me what flavour it was!”

Mr Ackerman was already looking particularly surly. “You never _asked_.”

“I _did_ ask!”

“No, you asked what _colour_ the ice cream was, and I told you it was _green_.”

“I assumed you meant it was green tea flavour.”

“Well,” Mr Ackerman said waspishly, crossing his arms over his chest, “You know what they say about assuming.”

Eren held his breath, waiting for the seemingly inevitable blowout, but Mr Davis seemed to brush straight past that comment. “Well, what sort of green is it?”

“It’s a lightish sort of shade, I suppose.” Levi squinted at the slowly melting lump of ice cream.

“I meant what _flavour_!”

“Then why didn’t you just _say that_?”

Tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling, Eren let out a deep sigh. Typical. Just as he gets promoted, Mr Ackerman takes the notion to argue with and needle the hotel inspector until he’s left with no choice but to shut the whole place down. And who could blame him? Mr Ackerman was _really_ not suited to the service industry.

When Eren finally braced himself and looked back to the situation at hand, he found Mr Ackerman staring straight at him, completely blanking Mr Davis. He was working his jaw a little, a complicated expression on his face. When Eren met his eyes, he turned back to Mr Davis and said, “If you aren’t happy with it, I can offer you another dessert on the house.”

Eren blinked, pleasantly surprised by Levi’s politeness - where had that come from?

Apparently unaffected by the change in Levi’s demeanor, Mr Davis said, “I didn’t say I wasn’t _happy_ with it, I just want to know what flavour it is! Is it mint, lime, pistachio? Because I’m allergic to nuts, you know, and it’s very important that I know what flavour it is before I so much as _consider_ tasting it!”

Levi squinted at the plate. “But you’ve already taken a bite out of it.”

“ _What are you suggesting?”_

God, he wasn’t paid nearly enough to have to listen to this. And apparently Levi was thinking the same thing, because he whipped the ice cream off the table and then snatched the spoon right out of Mr Davis’ hand. “I’ll tell you what flavour it is right now.” he snapped, then spooned a considerable lump of ice cream into his mouth. He hummed exaggeratedly, rolling the ice cream around his mouth and clearly enjoying the look of horrified shock dawning on Mr Davis’ face. “Hmmm. I think I need a second opinion. Eren?”

Eren stared at the proffered spoon; was he really going to get involved in this madness? Was he going to sink to this level? He caught sight of Levi’s expectant face, and sighed. Fuck it. The chances were that the hotel was going to be closed down anyway. He opened his mouth and allowed Levi to spoonfeed him the dollop of ice cream. “Hmmm,” he played along, trying to ignore the delight sparkling in Levi’s eyes - the bastard was enjoying this. “I can’t quite tell either.”

 _Mint, without a doubt_. 

“ _Connie, Sasha!_ ” Levi hollered.

Eren’s friends crashed out of the kitchen with zero grace, very obviously having been listening in. They were both grinning. “Sir?” asked Sasha.

“Taste this ice cream; we’re trying to determine the flavour for Mr Davis here.”

Mr Davis’ mouth flapped helplessly for a few seconds until he managed to force his words out, “But- but they’re the cooks! Shouldn’t they already _know_ what fl-”

“Don’t worry sir,” Sasha said, loud and cheerful and effectively drowning Mr Davis’ voice out completely, “Our tastebuds are very advanced!”

Connie took the spoon first, and took an improbably large spoonful. “It definitely tastes green,” he announced with his mouth full, “Sasha, thoughts?”

There was much smacking of lips as Sasha tasted three whole spoonfuls of the ice cream, face screwed up in faux concentration. “It’s mint!” she declared, beaming.

“Thank you so much,” Levi said, taking the plate back and setting it carefully in front of Mr Davis yet again. There was a single measly bite left on the plate. “I’m _so_ glad we settled that. Mint. But then, you probably already knew that, considering you had _already taken a bite_.”

“Enjoy the rest of your meal!” Eren said quickly, taking Levi by the arm and hurrying out of the dining room.

As soon as they burst into the lobby and the dining room door shut behind them, Eren burst out laughing. The giggles came sharp and quick, almost hiccupping out of him as he leaned forward and balanced his hands on his knees. Levi stood next to him, a little uncertain, but slowly he began to chuckle quietly alongside him. His laugh was quiet, little more than an exhalation of air, but it was the most genuine expression of emotion Eren had ever seen.

“Oh god,” Eren wheezed, “Oh god, we’re so fucked.”

Levi was still staring at him. “We’ll be fine.”

“He’s a hotel inspector!”

“He’s a prick.”

“Jesus.” Eren wiped his hands down his face, biting back his laughter. “Ohhhhh, god.”

Levi’s grin was very small, but it transformed his whole face. “Don’t worry,” he said, “He’s here for a three night stay. We have loads of time to redeem ourselves.”

* * *

Wednesday morning dawned clear and bright; golden sunlight streamed into Eren’s bedroom window on the third floor of the hotel, and he luxuriated in its pleasant warmth. The morning was quiet and peaceful, and the process of waking was slow and unhurried. Eren took a deep breath and burrowed into his pillow, enjoying the lazy quality of the morning light.

The peace was shattered when someone’s fist started pounding at the door.

“Eren!” Mr Ackerman yelled.

“ _Fuck._ ” Eren murmured, softly but with great feeling. He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his left eye with a fisted hand, yelling “What!”

“I need you downstairs!”

“Why?” Eren asked, trying hard not to let the groan he was holding back seep into his voice. So much for a peaceful morning.

“Because this _Cheese_ asshole is about to make me lose my mind!”

Still sleepy, Eren fought his way through his hazy thoughts. “Mrs Cheese?”

_”Yes!”_

Heaving a great sigh, Eren hauled himself out of bed and marched over to the door. “Why can’t you deal with her yourself?” he asked once he had flung open the door. 

Levi didn’t answer immediately; instead, his gaze tracked lower, and Eren realised too late that he was wearing nothing but his thin _The Simpsons_ boxer shorts. There was an awkward moment of silence, during which Levi’s throat worked as he seemed to take a few seconds to collect himself. “Ah,” he said at last, raising his gaze from Eren’s chest back up to his face. His voice was considerably quieter than usual, “She’s being difficult, and I don’t have the people skills to calm her down. I was hoping you’d help me out.”

Eren’s eyes might have bugged out of his head if he hadn’t caught himself. Mr Ackerman was being _nice_. “Uh,” he managed, trying not to let his total confusion show, “Yeah, okay. Just let me get dressed.”

Was he _blushing_? Eren closed the door and turned back to his room, feeling distinctly as though the world had just been tilted on its side. What the _hell_ had that been? He got dressed in a confused haze, preoccupied with his thoughts.

When he finally emerged, fully dressed and slightly more awake, he found Levi downstairs on the second floor. He paused on the stairs to the staff quarters to take in the situation; Mrs Cheese was yelling, her face a concerning shade of red as she gestured rapidly with her hands. Her tightly coiffed hair hardly moved a millimetre, despite the violence of her movements. In front of her, Levi stood with his feet planted wide and his arms crossed over his chest; it looked like he was squaring up for a fight, despite his opponent being an 85-year-old woman. Judging by the look of intense concentration on his face, it was taking a colossal amount of his self-control not to simply roar back at her. Eren was impressed that he was trying at all.

Mrs Cheese paused for a split second to take a breath, and Levi spotted him on the stairs. “Eren!” he said quickly, and he almost sounded relieved. He waved him over. “Mrs Cheese here is having an issue with her room.”

Before Eren could so much as open his mouth, Mrs Cheese had rounded on him. “Now you listen here boy! This hotel is _nothing_ like the advertisement I saw!”

“Oh,” Eren began, a little apprehensive. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that-”

“First of all, I asked for a room with a sea view!”

Eren glanced over her shoulder to where the door to her room hung open; even from where he was standing, he could see the sea from the window. “Ma’am, you _have_ a room with a sea view.”

“That’s not the point, idiot boy!” Mrs Cheese snapped. To her left, Levi’s hand clenched. “I could hardly sleep a wink last night! The waves were _far_ too loud.”

A quick glance at Levi told Eren that yes, he had actually heard that right. “Are you… complaining that the ocean was too loud for you?”

“Yes!” she snapped, jowls quivering. “ _And_ the room was too small! I looked into the room across the hall, and it’s much bigger than mine!”

“That’s because it’s a three-bed room.” Eren hastened to explain, relieved that he was actually able to counter this particular complaint. “You have a single bed room.”

“So?”

He faltered. Was that not self-explanatory? He looked to Levi, who simply leveled him with a look that spoke to how tired he was of hearing this. “Ah. Well, I-”

“And another thing!” she burst out, as though unable to contain herself. With growing horror, Eren watched the way the colour of her face began leaning towards an unhealthy puce. The high points of her cheeks were an even darker colour to the rest of her face, like two ruddy bullseyes. 

“Mrs Cheese, maybe you should calm down-”

“ _I was locked in my room overnight!”_

“Oh, for fucks sake,” Levi suddenly burst, throwing his hands in the air. “For the last time, _no one_ locked you in your room!”

“I told you-”

“And I’m _telling you_ , we hang the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the inside of the door in _every_ room! It’s so that you can hang it on the outside to let the staff know not to enter the room! It _doesn’t mean that you can’t leave!_ ”

“The sign was a clear warning-!”

“I’m telling you that’s not what it meant!” Levi was matching her tone now, his voice getting louder as hers got shriller. The only difference was that his complexion (apart from his ears, which were turning an interesting shade of red) remained neutrally pale, a stark contrast from Mrs Cheese’s purpling face and neck.

“Okay,” Eren said weakly. “Let’s all take a deep breath-” 

Mrs Cheese interrupted him with an indignant roar, “What about the mosquito?”

Maybe it would be better for Eren to just go back to bed. Levi seemed to have thrown all pretence at diplomacy out the window. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he yelled back.

“I was bitten by a mosquito! Your brochure said _nothing about mosquitoes_!”

“What the fuck do you want me to do about a fucking mosquito?”

Mrs Cheese’s anger seemed to swell; impossibly, her face seemed to darken. Her eyes bulged, her throat worked, and her breaths seemed to rattle in her chest. “ _You_ ,” she boomed, “are the most oafish, ill-mannered, _incompetent_ , little _runt_ of a man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life.”

Levi’s face twisted, and Eren sighed in defeat. _Here comes the final nail in the coffin,_ he thought grimly right as Levi opened his mouth and bit out, “Oh, drop dead you bitter old hag.”

Mrs Cheese choked in outrage, and Eren turned to hiss “Levi! Apologise!”

“ _Me?_ ” Levi asked in disbelief, gesturing at the woman in front of him. “But she’s a dick-!”

“She’s a _guest_!” Eren hissed, before turning to the woman in question, “I’m very sorry your stay hasn’t been up to standard, Mrs- oh. Mrs Cheese? Are you alright?”

It looked as though her choke wasn’t entirely in outrage; her eyes bulged right out of their sockets almost, and her tongue lolled in her mouth. A prominent vein in her forehead looked as though it were about to pop right out of her skin. It didn’t look as though she was breathing at all.

And then, almost in slow motion, she fell backwards. She landed flat on her back, and didn’t move again.

Eren and Levi gaped down at her. They didn’t move for several long moments. When it became clear that she wasn’t going to get back up again, Eren turned to his manager in horror. “Holy shit. You killed her.”

“What?” said Levi, his eyes wide and face paler than usual. He didn’t seem able to look away from the woman on the floor. “I didn’t- how could I have-?”

“You told her to drop dead, and she _did_!”

“It wasn’t an _order_!” Levi snapped back, finally tearing his gaze away. “It was a _suggestion_! She didn’t _have to_ drop dead!”

Panic surged in in Eren’s chest and grasped his heart. “Jesus,” he gasped, reaching up to tug at his hair. “Oh my god. She’s dead. Why couldn’t you have just taken that class on Conflict Management like I asked you to? Oh, god.”

“Calm down.” Levi urged, though he didn’t sound all that calm himself. “Okay, okay. Everybody just… just calm down.”

Taking a deep breath, Eren made himself look at Mrs Cheese’s body on the floor. “We should call someone.” he said, forcing his panic down as best as he could. “Who do we call? A coroner?”

“No.” Levi said quickly, beginning to pace. “No, we’ll have to hide her.”

“What?” Eren froze, wide-eyed. “ _Hide her?_ ”

“Think, Eren! If people find out we killed a guest, our ratings are going to go to shit!” he ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck, just think of the Yelp reviews.”

“‘ _We_?!”

“Wow.” scowled Levi. “That’s what you choose to focus on?”

“ _I_ didn’t do anything!”

They probably could have continued to argue for hours, had Sasha’s voice not floated up the stairs to them. “Mr Ackerman?” she called, “Is it okay if me and Connie start breakfast service a little early?”

The two of them froze, staring at each other with comically wide eyes. “Answer her!” Eren whispered desperately.

With a nod bordering on frantic, Levi hurried over to the top of the stairs and leaned over the bannister. “Why do you want to start it early?” he called down, and Eren was almost impressed; you almost couldn’t hear the panic in his voice.

“Mr Davis is demandi- uhhh, requesting his breakfast early.” Sasha replied, barely bothering to hide her irritation.

Oh _no_.

Levi’s head snapped around to look at Eren, and when their eyes met they had the same frantically panicked look. “Give the man his breakfast!” Levi yelled down to her, then sped back over to where Eren stood with the body. “Okay, okay, what the fuck do we do?”

“Right, okay.” Eren took a deep breath as he tugged at his hair. It had fallen out of the messy bun he had scraped it back in, and he probably looked half-crazed, but he felt fully crazed and couldn’t bring himself to care. “We have to call the coroner. _No,_ ” he said sharply when he saw Levi’s mouth opening to interrupt, “That’s not a suggestion, Levi! We’re calling the coroner. If you’re worried about the guests finding out, then we’ll just have to hide the body before the coroner gets here and tell him to remove her discreetly.”

“Fine.” Levi’s jaw tightened slightly, but he seemed to be willing to let Eren take control of the situation. “Let’s put her in your room for a while, no one will check there.”

“Wh- _no!_ ”

Levi blinked, apparently surprised by Eren’s adamance. “Why not?”

“I _sleep_ there, we’re not hiding a dead body where I sleep!” Eren scowled furiously at him, then paused. “What about Jean’s room?”

Levi snapped his fingers. “Perfect.”

It turned out being manager and owner of the hotel came with the perk of having a master key to all the bedrooms; Eren tried not to be weirded out by the idea as they essentially broke into Jean’s room. Levi had said that the master keys were only to be used in an emergency; stashing a corpse out of sight probably counted as an emergency, but Eren wasn’t planning on asking for Levi’s definition. 

Eren had been expecting to just lay her on the bed, so he blinked in surprise as Levi marched to the wardrobe and flung the doors open. “What are you doing?”

“Well, we can’t leave her in plain sight. What if Jean comes up here and sees her?”

“So you want to hide her in the _wardrobe_?”

“We could put her under the bed, either.”

There was no time to respond to that; from outside the door came footsteps, and then the sound of keys jangling. Eren turned to look at Levi, horror-stricken; Jean was very unlikely to react well to his best friend and his boss standing next to his bed holding a corpse.

“Quick, the wardrobe!”

There was no time to argue or even to wonder why Jean was coming back so early, but Eren still mentally cursed both Levi and himself for going along with this ridiculous charade. They both crushed themselves into the wardrobe, ignoring the clothes spilling from the hangars around them, and hauled Mrs Cheese’s body in after them. It was a tight fit; the door wouldn’t close behind them, and instead hung slightly ajar. Eren prayed Jean wouldn’t notice.

Then the bedroom door opened and they listened as Jean came in, muttering to himself. Eren held his breath, though it was difficult with an elbow digging into his ribs. He shifted slightly, but that just resulted in the elbow digging in harder. “Stop elbowing me!” he whispered.

“My elbows are nowhere near you!” Levi whispered back.

Oh. It was Mrs Cheese’s elbows. Eren grimaced, and tried to think of something else. What was Jean doing, anyway? He should have been setting up the bar; although, he did always complain about the pointlessness of setting up the bar area so early in the morning. While he may have had a point, and while Eren usually agreed with him, he found himself exceptionally annoyed that Jean had decided to skive off right when he and Levi were trying to stash a corpse in his room. Talk about bad timing.

Levi cursed softly from beside him; they were squashed so close together, the only thing stopping them from being completely pressed against each other was the rapidly cooling corpse held up between them. “Never thought I’d be in a closet again,” he whispered, irony colouring his tone, “Spent enough time like this in school.”

Bewildered, Eren wondered why on earth Levi had spent his school days hiding in wardrobes before deciding that he was probably kidding. “Is this a joke to you?” he asked lowly, irritated now.

“No, that’s a question, Eren.” whispered Levi, then he snickered quietly to himself.

“Wow.” Eren scowled, even though it wasn’t very likely that Levi could see him in the dark. “Humour, Levi? Really? You hate humour.”

“Well, I’m a joke now, so it suits me.” he sighed, and Eren knew he had slumped from the way that the body began to lean more heavily on him. “This is so stupid. I can’t believe I’m hiding in Jean’s wardrobe with a dead body and _you_.”

Eren wondered if he should take offense to that, before deciding that he was too tired and this morning had been weird enough without adding another argument to the mix. “It’s not that bad.” he whispered. “As soon as Jean leaves, we’ll sneak out, find somewhere else to hide her, and then call the coroner.”

But Jean didn’t leave.

They listened to him puttering around, texting and giggling to himself. The wait was agonising; the wardrobe was stuffy and warm, and Mrs Cheese’s elbows seemed to be digging in everywhere at once. Whenever Levi shifted slightly, it moved Mrs Cheese closer towards him. Eren would swiftly respond with a light push so that her tightly curled head would loll back towards his boss, ignoring the dirty looks he would get.

Eventually, there was a light squeaking sound as Jean climbed up on his bed. Eren perked up a little; was he going for a nap? _Please_ be going for a nap!

“Hey,” came Jean’s voice, though it was slightly muffled through the doors of the closet. “What’s up?”

Levi tilted his head back, scowling fiercely at the shirts hanging overhead. “Am I paying him to sit in his room and make phonecalls?” he hissed.

“To be fair,” whispered Eren, “No one is going to be looking for pina colada’s at 9am.”

“You don’t know that.” Levi grumbled, nudging Mrs Cheese away from him and closer to Eren.

“Nah, nobody is gonna notice I’m gone,” Jean was saying, sounding distinctly pleased with himself. “Who’s gonna be looking for drinks at 9am?”

Eren looked pointedly at Levi, who glared at him.

“Babe, no one is gonna notice that I’m not there,” said Jean, and Eren perked up instantly. _Babe_? Who the hell was Jean calling _babe_? If Jean was dating someone, why wouldn’t he have told him? Surely he wouldn’t have missed an opportunity to brag about that. “Sasha and Connie are starting the breakfast service, and Eren is probably staring into Mr Ackerman’s eyes somewhere.” he laughed.

In the wardrobe, Eren and Levi shifted around uncomfortably. Mrs Cheese drooped between them.

“Nah, I’m joking.” he said dismissively in response to something said over the phone. “They’re useless. The extent of their flirting is staring at each other when they think the other isn’t looking. Although,” he paused for a moment, and Eren could hear the smug smile in his voice. “Eren probably hasn’t told you yet; Mr Ackerman promoted him yesterday. Yeah, I know. I know, ahaha! Yeah, he’s assistant manager now. Hm? Yeah.”

The air between Eren and Levi was growing distinctly strained, and it had nothing to do with the confined space. Eren chanced a glance at Levi, but he was staring straight ahead with his jaw clenched hard.

“I miss you.” Jean said suddenly, wrenching Eren’s attention back to the phone call. “I have the evening off this Thursday. We could do something? Eren’s working.”

Eren blinked, bewildered. Why would his work schedule be relevant at all in this situation? He turned to look at Levi, who was frowning at him in equal confusion. “Who’s he talking to?” Eren whispered.

Levi shrugged a shoulder, but didn’t look away.

“Amazing! It’s a date!” Jean said, obnoxiously cheerful. “Okay. Okay cool, see you then. I’ll call you tonight, okay? Great. Bye, Mikasa.”

Oh. _Oh,_ no _way_.

Levi reacted before Eren did, his hand shooting out to clasp over Eren’s mouth to stop the outraged gasp from spilling out. Eren tried to jerk away, but Mrs Cheese’s body was crushing him into the corner. “Calm down!” Levi hissed urgently.

“He’s- that’s- my _sister_!”

“Your sister is an adult woman who makes her own choices! Now _calm down_!”

Jean had started to hum, which covered up the sounds of shuffling within the wardrobe. Eren was still breathing heavily, but he stopped struggling against Levi’s grip. Mrs Cheese’s elbows were digging into his kidneys now.

“We can’t stay in here much longer.” Levi whispered, impatience tingeing his voice. “Connie and Sasha will burn down the hotel or something.”

Eren shot him a look, “I think they’ll manage to get by without killing any more guests, at least.”

Even through the dark Levi’s scowl was visible. “If they managed to get Mr Davis, I’d give them a raise.”

Choosing to ignore that, Eren leaned forwards as cautiously as possible and peered through the crack in the wardrobe door. At first he could see just the barest sliver of the room, but when he tilted his head he managed to catch a glimpse of the bed. Jean was lying down on his side, the covers pulled up to his chin. He seemed to be scrolling through Twitter or something. “He’s in bed, on his phone.” he whispered.

“I have a plan.”

“A plan.” Eren asked dubiously. “Like the one that got us stuck in here?”

“No, a better one.”

Eren bit his lip for a moment, before sighing through his nose. What other choice did he have? “Fine. What is it?”

“All you have to do is grab Mrs Cheese and haul her out of here as fast as you can. I’ll make sure Jean doesn’t see.”

“What? That doesn’t seem like a very thought-out plan at all.”

“Just focus on your bit, I’ll take care of the rest!”

“...Fine!”

They paused, staring at each other. “Ready?” Levi asked.

Taking a breath, Eren reached out and caught hold of Mrs Cheese under her arms. When his grip was secure, he looked to Levi and nodded slowly.

“Go!” 

Eren burst out of the wardrobe, hauling Mrs Cheese with him. Levi jumped out with him, but instead of following him towards the door he leaped towards Jean’s bed. With one smooth motion he snatched the corner of the duvet and whipped it up in the air, before propelling himself towards Jean’s head and swiftly wrapping him up in it. 

They were both outside the room when Jean started screaming in a ridiculously delayed reaction. Levi slammed the door closed on his shrieks, then grabbed Mrs Cheese by the legs. They both began to move, and then froze. Neither of them had planned any further than this.

“Shit.” Levi said.

Eren tilted his head back, defeated. “We can keep her in my room.” he sighed, cringing. “Call the damn coroner.”

* * *

By some cruel twist of fate, Mrs Cheese’s daughter had decided to have her wake at Paradise Towers.

“It just seemed fitting,” she had said matter-of-factly, “She loved it here.”

The coroner had pronounced Mrs Cheese’s death as a cardiac arrest, and mentioned that her blood pressure must have been shockingly high to produce such a spectacular reaction. Levi had toed the ground guiltily and hummed.

“This is very awkward.” Eren murmured to him at one stage, eyeing the mourners uncomfortably. Clad all in black, most of the mourners seemed quite chipper really, which for some reason was considerably worse than if they have been openly grieving.

“Why are they so happy?” Levi murmured back, clearly equally as unnerved. “Why did we even agree to host this?” Eren cast him a look out of the side of his eye, and Levi frowned and stopped talking. They stood in silence for a few minutes. The funeral party hummed with energy, and a few of the mourners began to laugh uproariously. Mrs Cheese’s daughter had been cradling her mother’s urn when she first arrived, but at some point she must have set it aside because now she was telling a story complete with energetic hand movements that had her companions bent over in raucous laughter. Obviously uncomfortable with the odd sense of levity amongst the funeral party, Levi suggested, “Maybe we should check on Connie and Sasha. The family requested some special cake or something.”

Eren stifled a sigh; he knew all about the goddamn special cake. Mrs Cheese’s sister had brought a handwritten recipe alongside a basketful of artisanal ingredients, and had lectured Eren for ten minutes straight on how this special plum pudding was traditionally served at Cheese funeral parties. Eren had smiled and nodded and wondered what the hell was wrong with these people.

Following Levi’s lead, Eren poked his head into the kitchen. He was surprised to see his friends looking more stressed than he had ever seen them - Sasha was on her hands and knees on the floor as she looked through the cupboards, and Connie looked close to tears as he wrestled with a decorative jar of some sort of fancy jam.

“Give that to me,” said Levi impatiently, whipping the jar out of Connie’s hand and opening it in one twist, “How was that in any way difficult? Sasha, why the hell are you on the floor?”

“Dropped one of the fancy bowls.” Sasha said, visibly guilty as she scraped the shards off the ground.

Levi closed his eyes and took a very deep breath, held it for several seconds, and then blew out slowly. “Right.” he said in a tone of forced calm. “How’s the pudding coming along?”

Apparently not very well; as soon as the question was asked Connie and Sasha burst into complaints. Though they were almost finished, the process had apparently been long and arduous. “The recipe they’ve given us is _six pages long_ , and it’s _all_ handwritten! I don’t know what it says! We had to make it up as we went along!”

“They’ve supplied us with all these special ‘ _artisanal_ ’ ingredients in all of these stupidly fancy antique jars, and they’re _all unlabeled_!”

“There aren’t even any plums in the ingredient list!” Sasha wailed, throwing her hands up to the ceiling. “Besides, we’re _chefs_ , not bakers, Mr Ackerman. We really don’t think this pudding is going to come out well.”

“Aw, come on guys.” Eren said, injecting a healthy dose of enthusiasm into his voice that fell flat even to his own ears. He made an attempt to boost their self-confidence. “You’re almost finished! Besides, when have you ever let not being able to cook stop you before?”

Connie put his hands on his hips. “Wow, Eren.”

“That’s… not what I meant.” he tried weakly, but Levi was looking at him, trying and failing to stop a snicker from manifesting, and Sasha had already gone back to peering into one of the antique ingredient jars, so he figured it would be better to quit while he was ahead. He shot a quick scowl at Levi, who finally pulled himself together and shot the two chefs a stern look.

“Back to work. If you followed the instructions as best as you could, and improvised where you had to, it can’t turn out too badly.”

Once they were sure Connie and Sasha had returned to work with at least a degree of confidence, Eren and Levi headed back into the lobby. The funeral party had split itself between the main lobby and the lounge, and quite a few of the unreasonably cheerful mourners were sipping on cocktails now. Eren spotted Hanji in the corner, sipping a Cosmopolitan in her mud-streaked work overalls and flirting with a nervous looking blond man in mourning clothes.

Levi surveyed the funeral party, and then let out an explosive sigh. “This is hell.” he declared, just quiet enough so that Eren was the only one to hear.

“We should check in with Miss Cheese.” Eren murmured, nodding to where Mrs Cheese’s daughter stood chatting. It looked for a moment as though Levi were about to complain, but then he caught sight of Eren’s firm scowl and relented.

Miss Cheese was now holding a daiquiri in each hand. She alternated between the two as she took liberal sips from both glasses. She threw her head back and guffawed at something one of her companions had said, then caught sight of Levi and Eren heading towards her. “Boys!” she cried out, sweeping over to them. 

They came to a startled halt. “Ah,” Eren recovered faster than Levi in the face of her exuberance, and plastered on a smile. “Hello, Miss Cheese. We just wanted to check in with you to see if everything is going alright, and to offer our condolences.”

“That’s very sweet of you.” Miss Cheese smiled. Her teeth were shockingly white and straight, and she aimed her toothy smile directly at Levi.

Visibly alarmed by her attention, Levi shuffled uncomfortably at Eren’s shoulder. “Uh, yes. Your loss. Very sorry about it.”

Miss Cheese nodded, her eyes growing wide. “Yes, it’s been quite a hectic few days.” She sipped from one of her cocktails. “I had to cancel two different meetings in order to be here, but these things can’t be avoided, I suppose.” She shot another smile at Levi, who at this point had started to edge just slightly behind Eren’s shoulder.

“Were you and your mother close?” Eren asked, at a bit of a loss for what else to say. He shifted a little so that he was further in front of Levi, irritated for some reason by her ridiculous smiling.

“No, not really.” Miss Cheese sucked on the straw in her cocktail, gaze boring into Levi’s head. “I went to see her in the funeral parlour before they began the cremation, though. She looked very well.”

The last time Eren had seen her she had been very purple. Perhaps death had improved her appearance. “Well.” he managed to say in a conversational tone. “That’s good.”

“Yes. She looked slimmer.”

Levi laughed, a nervous little snort-giggle hybrid. When no one else joined in he stopped laughing immediately. “Sorry,” he frowned, “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

But Miss Cheese’s eyes were wide and earnest. “Oh no.” she said seriously. “I really do think she must have been eating very well leading up to her death. She looked fantastic.”

Levi looked at Eren, and Eren could read the disbelief in his face. He had to suck on his teeth to keep from laughing. Miss Cheese didn’t seem to notice, and Eren couldn’t help but wonder at what point he had become so adept at reading Levi’s expressions. 

“Yes.” Levi was saying, fighting for seriousness. “Death does have a certain slimming effect, I suppose.”

“Okay.” Eren said, pasting on another customer service smile; seeing as most of his energy was going into swallowing his laughter, the smile was more genuine than most. “We had better get going. Have to make sure the hotel runs smoothly, you know.”

“Oh, of course. You’re busy men.” Miss Cheese simpered, then winked playfully at Levi. “Well, if you get a spare minute, come spend it with me.”

Levi made a very odd strangled noise in his throat. Eren quickly said, “Yes, we are very busy, can’t imagine we’ll be free at all, actually. Sorry about that. Although, I’m sure you’ll be busy yourself, talking to guests and everything.”

Before Miss Cheese could respond, Eren hooked his fingers into the back of Levi’s suit jacket and dragged him away. He realised once he started marching across the room that he had no destination, and so he made a split second decision to head towards the side gardens. Behind him, Levi tripped over his own feet but hurried to keep up. They managed to make it to the door without anyone trying to stop them; the guests were too busy laughing and drinking, and Jean was too busy supplying them with drinks to notice them slip outside.

The gardens were beautifully kept, courtesy of Hanji’s love and devotion to the plants, and the wind carried the promise of rain. Eren tilted his head back and took a deep, appreciative breath. The scent of greenery and rain was fantastically soothing, and he could feel some of the tension that had been knotting in his shoulders begin to ease away. After a moment or two he opened his eyes again, unaware of when he had closed them, and turned to see Levi gazing at him. He raised an eyebrow. “Okay?”

“Hm? Oh! Yeah, fine.” said Levi quickly, starting a little and averting his eyes. 

Eren nodded, before a thought occurred to him. “Hey, uh. I’m sorry if I, uh, you know.” When all he received was a blank stare, he tried to elaborate. “I really jumped in when Miss Cheese was, you know. So, um, sorry if I ruined that for you. I didn’t stop to think that maybe you wanted to… take her up on it.”

Levi’s mouth dropped open a bit. He seemed rather unreasonably horrified. “Wh-? _No!_ ” he said vehemently. Bizarrely, a flush began to creep his neck. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, she was coming on pretty strong, considering, you know. Considering she’s just back from her mother’s funeral.” Eren frowned, confused. “I interrupted because I thought you were uncomfortable, but it’s just occurred to me that you might have been… well, shy.”

Levi made another choking sound that sounded like he was trying but failing to repeat the word ‘shy’. “No.” he said at last, rather weakly.

“Okay.” said Eren simply, and decided to leave it at that. He sat on the little bench between the fuschia shrubs and glanced up at the sky hanging heavy and grey over them. After a moment, Levi sat carefully next to him. Searching for a topic that would be suited for the sparse five minutes they would have free before they would have to return to work, Eren settle on a simple, “Hanji is keeping the gardens fantastically.”

“I’m gay.” Levi blurted.

A breeze ruffled their hair, carrying the sweet scent of the blooming flowers in the garden. Eren blinked a few times. “Ah.” he said. He cast desperately around for something to say, something at least _semi_ -intelligent. What to say? “Well. Fair enough.”

“Fair enough?”

Eren winced; hearing the words repeated back to him only highlighted the inadequacy of them. “Well, I mean, that’s good! Gay is great.” Levi was looking at him now as if he’d lost his mind, and he could feel himself grow hot and embarrassed. Why couldn’t he deal with things normally? He took a breath. “What I _mean_ is, it’s great that you’re being authentically you, and I’m glad that I did interrupt if I was saving you from an awkward situation.”

“Saving me.” Levi repeated, running his tongue along his front teeth.

Distracted by the sight, Eren could hear himself blurt, “I like both, myself. Both, all, you know.” _Aw, shit_ , he thought, _I’ve made it awkward_.

But rather than looking awkward, Levi was looking at him with a little grin. “Fair enough.” he said, his tone only slightly mocking. He shifted then, and the flush on his neck seemed to grow a little. “I wanted to ask a question, actually.”

“Yeah, go ahead.” Eren said at once, beyond relieved to be able to close his mouth and stop spewing stupid shit for at least a minute.

There was a moment’s pause as Levi seemed to work through something in his head, chewing his bottom lip as he thought. “Remember… when we were in Jean’s room?”

Eren glanced around reflexively, then whispered. “With the body?”

“When else were we hiding out in Jean’s wardrobe?” he scowled.

“Okay, good point. What about it?”

“Well. I was, uh, going to tell you then, but it didn’t really seem like the right moment. Because of, you know. The body.”

“Uh huh.” Eren said, genuinely wondering where on earth this was going.

“Well.” Levi was staring very determinedly at the creeping rose bush on the far garden wall. “I wanted to say. That.” he frowned, and then seemed to decide to just say it all at once and very fast. “I like you, I guess.”

Eren knew his mouth had dropped open a little, because he could feel it. He couldn’t quite bring himself to close it; he was too busy gaping. “You… Are you being serious?”

The flush from Levi’s neck had spread right up to his face now in a flaming blush. “Mhm.”

Eren sat back, blinking rapidly. That was… very unexpected. He needed time to evaluate this. What was the appropriate response? Shit. Did he like Levi back? Ever since he had started working in _Paradise Towers_ he had harboured a little crush on his manager. It was a little embarrassing, but he had always figured it would fade. It had been entirely based on looks, anyhow. But now? He thought of Levi’s ridiculous attempts to look cool and capable, his ultimately very amusing failures, the way he had a snappy retort to just about everything, the way his absurdity made Eren laugh genuinely and whole-heartedly.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Levi was saying, looking slightly panicked. “Actually, if you feel more comfortable, we never have to speak of this again. This was stupid of me, I’ve made things awkward - this is a workplace. I’ve been inappropriate. Just tell me to fuck off, and I will-”

Eren was opening his mouth - he was unsure what he was even planning to say, just hoping that the right words would miraculously find their way out of his brain and into the world - when the door swung open and Connie plunged his head outside.

“We’ve made a terrible mistake!” he whisper-screeched, eyes wild with terror.

Levi lunged to his feet, obviously thankful for the distraction. “Right! Into the kitchen!”

“Levi-” Eren tried to say, but he was already running after Connie. Taking one last breath of fresh air, Eren took after them. By the time he made it through the door, the other two were halfway through the crowd. 

He was just about to start after them when he was waylaid by Mr Davis. “Ah!” the older man exclaimed, gesturing with a plate of pudding in one hand. “You must pass on my compliments to the chef, boy!”

“Oh,” said Eren, momentarily confused. He had honestly just assumed that Connie’s emergency had to do with a problem with the pudding. “They- uh, they’ll be very pleased. You like it?”

“Like it?” Mr Davis’ mustache wobbled enthusiastically. “This is easily the best pudding I’ve ever tasted! Simply wonderful!”

“That’s great, I’ll be sure to pass that on.” Eren smiled, then quickly slipped away towards the kitchen before Mr Davis could say anything else. He was becoming slightly concerned now; if the problem wasn’t with the pudding, then what was it?

In the kitchen, Connie was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands, and Sasha was standing by the stove looking guilty. Levi was standing in front of them with his hands on his hips, looking both disbelieving and horrified. 

Eren looked between them all, then decided to break the tension with a simple, “Mr Davis says the pudding is the best pudding he’s ever tasted.”

The words didn’t have the effect he had hoped for; Sasha choked a little, and Connie went totally white. Levi tilted his head all the way back and said “Oh, fucking hell”. More confused now than ever, Eren looked between them all; shouldn’t they be delighted with this bit of praise, considering they had been so certain that the pudding was going to come out horrifically?

Still hiding his face in his hands, Connie murmured something that sounded like “Shisenthuputhin.”

“What? Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“She’s in the pudding!” the words came out on a wail as Connie finally lifted his head from his hands. Sasha winced.

“Who…” Eren began slowly, glancing to Levi to see him looking resigned, “Who’s in the pudding?”

“Mrs Cheese!” Connie whispered frantically, eyes bugging wide. “There were so many fancy jars! So many artisanal vases! So many odd organic flours and natural sugars!”

A slow sense of impending doom began to claw its way through Eren’s mind. “Connie.” He said, fighting for calm, “What are you telling me?”

It was Sasha who answered; she reached over to the counter, where all the used and empty containers were stacked. The container she retrieved was vase-like, with a narrow neck and a butterfly design. It looked very similar to the other artisanal containers stacked on the counter, but Eren’s stomach sank as soon as he saw it. “It looks just like the other jars and stuff!” Sasha hurried to explain, “And they’d given us so many weird ingredients that I didn’t even stop to think that the colour was off. It tasted fine.”

“You tasted it?” said Levi, sounding disgusted. “And you didn’t notice it tasted like ashes?”

“It just tasted sorta earthy.” Sasha said, clutching the urn defensively. 

“Holy fuck.” Eren stared at the empty urn, wide-eyed. “Are you telling me that the entire funeral party is eating a pudding containing _bits_ of the person whose funeral they’ve come to attend?”

“Well, we only realised what we’d done after the pudding was served.” Connie said. He finally climbed to his feet, although he still looked distinctly ill. “We don’t know what to do!”

Eren turned to look at Levi to see if he’d come up with any bright ideas, only to see that Levi was already looking at him, clearly hoping the same thing. When Eren shook his head, Levi frowned before turning back to the two chefs and announcing, “We need to fill the urn with fake ashes before anyone notices.”

“ _Levi!_ ” Eren hissed.

“Have you got any better ideas!”

He wanted to argue so badly, but truthfully there were no ideas coming to him. If they went and told the truth, the hotel would be closed down for sure. All he could do was groan, “We fed the hotel inspector a dead person.”

“Only ashes.” Levi said briskly, taking the urn from Sasha and placing it on the kitchen counter. “I’m pretty sure it’s only cannibalism if the dead body is intact. This is, like, Cannibalism Lite, so it’s probably legal.”

Eren gaped at him in disbelief. “You have a very loose grasp of the law, Levi!”

Apparently making an executive decision to ignore him, Levi began giving orders. “Fill the urn up with whatever leftover artisanal flour you have. If you idiots couldn’t tell the difference, maybe they won’t either.”

“But,” said Eren, “Flour is white. It doesn’t look like ashes at all.”

“It’s okay, Eren,” Sasha assured him as she grabbed the leftover flour, “This flour is whole-grain.”

Eren put his head in his hands. How could they have messed up a funeral so badly? “We’re criminals.” he said miserably.

“Stop whinging and help us make the flour look more like ashes.” Levi said bracingly. Bizarrely, he looked more confident now than he had all day. It was like the conversation in the gardens had never happened.

“We could burn the bacon for tomorrow’s breakfast and mix it in.” Eren suggested, defeated. It was such a stupid suggestion that he almost expected to be laughed at, but instead Levi nodded and said ‘Brilliant!’

Connie watched Levi and Sasha jumping into action with his mouth open. “This will never work,” he whispered to Eren, “It’s the dumbest idea ever.”

* * *

Against all odds, it worked. 

Levi had handed the urn to Miss Cheese, nervously commenting, “She’s all in there.”

Miss Cheese had given a giggle even as Eren had shot him an incredulous look, before saying absently “Oh yes, I’m sure she is,” as she looked Levi up and down. Then, horrifyingly, she started to sniff the air. “Do you smell… bacon?”

Levi shot Eren a look of pure terror, so Eren jumped in and said, somewhat desperately, “Did she not smell like bacon before?”

Miss Cheese paused to think, before shrugging it off. “It doesn’t matter too much, the urn’ll be kept in the basement anyway. The detailing doesn’t go with my interior.” she turned her attention back to Levi, “You have such a beautiful hotel! I’ll be sure to recommend it to everyone I know.”

Apparently caught off guard by her suddenly flirtatious smile, Levi just blinked rapidly. “Oh. That’s… very good of you.”

She leaned forwards a little. “It must be a terribly busy job. Do you have any free time coming up soon?”

“No,” Eren blurted, irrationally annoyed by her advances, “We’re both very busy for the next while, actually. Very busy.” 

“Oh.” she said, her brow furrowing a little before smoothing out again. “Well, you have my number if you _do_ happen to get any little holidays and want someone to spend them with.” She shot him a quick wink, and then said, “Well, thank you again boys, today has been a lot of fun. Bye, now!”

They watched her walk away in a confused, companionable silence. Once she reached the front door and disappeared from sight, Eren couldn’t help but ask, “You have her number?”

“Ah.” Levi looked rather uncomfortable. “She insisted I take it.”

It was… odd. He’d never exactly thought of Levi as a sexual being before (outside of his semi-regular appreciation of his looks), yet the way that Miss Cheese had looked at and flirted with him had caused Eren’s hackles to rise. Even now that he knew Miss Cheese had no chance of success, he wasn’t prepared for the surge of irritation that came with watching her try.

And now that the ash crisis was over and the funeral party was trickling out, the atmosphere seemed to thicken between them as the conversation from the garden came back to them. Levi shifted on his feet for a moment, then quickly said, “I’d better go and talk to Jean. I don’t think he believed me when I told him we were checking his wardrobe for a termite infestation.”

“He _definitely_ didn’t believe you.” Eren said reflexively, before stepping forward and reaching a little. “Wait.” Levi had stopped as soon as Eren had spoken and now was looking at him expectantly, but the words seemed to have dried up in Eren’s mouth. He decided that the lobby probably wasn’t the best place to have a conversation like this. “Gardens?”

Levi nodded slowly, then followed after Eren as he led them towards the sidedoor. They were halfway across the floor when they passed Mr Davis, who waddled up to them and beamed exuberantly. “What a wonderful get-together, gentlemen! Simply marvelous! I haven’t had such a good time in years!”

They both stared at him in vague disbelief, before Eren eventually spoke, “It was a funeral, Mr Davis.”

“Yes, yes,” he said, obviously not listening, “You really should host social events like that more often, it really brings a sense of vitality to the place! I will be retiring now for the evening, but in the morrow I simply _must_ acquire that pudding recipe from your cooks!”

The two of them smiled with bewilderment as he waved them goodnight and disappeared up the stairs. After a moment, Levi said, “What the fuck just happened?”

“I think,” said Eren carefully, beginning to walk again, “It’s probably best not to think too hard about it.”

They reached the side door and stepped out into the evening air. The gardens were even more fragrant now than they had been earlier, and the evening light filtered through the trees as they seated themselves on the garden bench.

The peaceful quiet was broken by Levi quietly saying, “Look, I know that what I said earlier was really not appropriate for a workplace environment. And I just want to be clear, I didn’t make you Assistant Manager because I had a crush on you or anything like that; you really deserve the title, the amount of work you put into this hotel is incredible and I genuinely think we would have closed down ages ago without you. I mean, this disaster of a week is proof enough that I’m not fit to run a bath, never mind a hotel.”

“You’re not that bad.” Eren said, trying not to smile.

A wry smile bloomed on Levi’s face, and he made no attempt to hold it back. “I accidentally killed a guest who then got fed to the hotel inspector, who apparently _liked_ it. I think there’s probably been better hotel managers. In fact, I think that alone is enough material to comfortably take up an entire psychiatric conference.”

“Fair enough.” Eren laughed a little as he echoed his words from earlier.

“I just… I want to be very clear; you can be as harsh in your rejection as you feel is necessary. I overstepped and I made you uncomfortable. You’re the best thing to happen to this hotel since we got rid of that stupid stuffed pheasant collection in the lounge, and the last thing I want is to drive you away.”

Eren had been waiting until Levi was finished to speak, but now he blinked. “There used to be a stuffed pheasant collection in the lounge?”

“They were arranged to be sitting at the bar like customers,” Levi nodded. “They’re in the attic now. Hanji is certain that they’re haunted.”

“That’s really w- okay no, not the point.” Eren shook himself a little. “Um. So, it surprised me, what you said. I just didn’t see it coming, like at all. But that was probably stupid of me, considering all of Jean’s stupid jokes.” At that Levi slumped a little, looking mortified, and so Eren hurried on, “You know Jean, he’s an idiot, so I just brushed it aside all the time. So, um, I guess it just caught me by surprise. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. I actually, uh, I’ve had a bit of a crush on you ever since I started. I just never thought it was actually going to _go_ anywhere.”

Though he still looked rather mortified, Levi had straightened up a little. He was actually looking at Eren now, which was a marked improvement.

Encouraged, Eren continued. “So, um. If you asked, I wouldn’t be opposed to, you know, giving it a go. Getting coffee or something.”

Levi was staring at him wide-eyed. “Oh.” he said at last, sounding a little hoarse. “Oh, right. Okay.”

“Okay.” repeated Eren, nodding a little stiffly. Another few moments passed where they stared at each other in silence, before he said, “Ask me.”

“Ask you what?” Levi asked, apparently distracted, before his face cleared. “Oh! Uh, would you like to get coffee with me? Or lunch, or we could, um, go for a walk or something.”

Eren grinned. “Yeah. We could even combine all three.”

“Right.” said Levi, his cheeks very pink. “Yes. Sounds great. Reckon Jean will be able to handle the hotel for an afternoon?”

Eren couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sure he won’t be as efficient as you at killing off the guests, but he can make a decent go of it.” 

An amber quality was seeping into the evening light, and they both fell silent as they watched it creep over the trailing ivy. In the quiet, Eren carefully snuck a glance at Levi right as Levi glanced at him. Startled at having both been caught at the same time, they both started to laugh. Impulsively, Eren reached out and entwined his fingers with Levi’s. 

Involuntary manslaughter might not be the best base to build a relationship on, but looking at Levi’s self-conscious grin, Eren couldn’t bring himself to care.


End file.
